February 2010
84 posts
Hey Grammys
How come you’re all boring and shit with all of these stupid slow songs.
Why Green Berets and Delta Force Guys are Hot
They are allowed to grow sloppy beards. It’s kind of odd to watch burly men schlepping around in camo and giant guns.
January 2010
97 posts
Sometimes
You really really really want an orange. For over two years you pine after said orange and feel guilty for doing so, but in the dark of the night you seek refuge in a citrus filled fantasy world. Growing tired of the guilt and the freezing temperatures in Florida, you decide instead that an apple might do in a pinch. Just when things get comfortable and your pantry is full of all sorts of...
proof that the internet (and the world) is run by...
After five minutes of searching for the nude Greg Oden pics, I gave up. Time it took me to find Britney and LiLo’s meat curtains? Seconds.
My Batman, condensed
Me: Did you nap today?
Batman: No. But I’m awfully tired.
Me: Well if you didn’t nap today, what did you do?
Batman: I took the day off of work.
Me: Oh… … … well did you do anything fun on your day off from work?
Batman: No
Me: What did you do?
Batman: Oh, I spent all day at the realtor’s office.
Me: Did you find anything good?
Batman: Yeah. I mean,...
Delicious (Vegan) Mexican Hot Chocolate
(I’m not crazy vegan lady, but milk makes my tummy hurt.)
Things You’ll Need:
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/3 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
dash of cayenne pepper
1/8 teaspoon salt (if you intentionally leave out this part you’re stupid)
4 cups rice milk
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
cinnamon sticks
In a saucepan, add the...
Modern Politics
Cramming a black woman, an asian man, a soldier, and a wholesome looking blonde woman in a tight screen shot for the Republican Response to the SOTU Address. I wonder if non-white, non-male Republicans get frustrated for being pulled up to the front row at every public outing.
“Hey Congress. Stop being a bushel of pussies!” -potus
For the record, I’m not sure what the appropriate group name is for pussies. a gaggle? a throng? a smack? a murder? a quiver? Found it: Congress…as in “a congress of of baboons.”
woo hoo state of the union!
phofascinating:
lord i’m such a politics junkie. and my favorite game is to spot the sleepers jostled awake by a sudden applause.
My favorite game is called FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HOW COME THE VP AND SPEAKER CAN NEVER JUST FUCKING SIT STILL? You’re on TV, kids.
On One Night Stands →
One night stands = awkward sex? One night stands = shame? Most people have had only one, maaaaybe two one night stands?
Interesting…
Intel: The Poet Dating His Much-Younger Former... →
marielk:
leilacohan:
Okay, even by Sex Diary standards, this is super weird. “I send porn to 20-Year-Old and we both masturbate while texting. It is cartoon porn about maids banging nurses with strap-ons in fifties London.” Is that a legitimate fetish?
Amusant.
What a hack. This smells like the sort of man who sits around in his office stroking it to pictures of old students in the...
Thanks Mariel! →
Tips and Tricks from Tyra for Being the Best Me I...
Today she’s going to teach me how to be sexy pants for no extra money. It’s all based on science, and she’s going to “give me the secret for-mu-la.” It appears that “science” means “polling.”
To Attract a People at a Club:
-Wear a red dress sans red lipstick.
-Avoid yellowy green.
-Dudes should wear blue when picking up women.
To...
things that are more awesome when single and...
A list I began to create while standing in a very long check-out line at the grocery store this afternoon. All of these families with all of these groceries and all of these screaming children.
- grocery shopping
- laundry
- dinner planning and prep
- sleeping-in
- vacation freedom (when you want and where you can afford)
- TV
- drinking
- getting ready to go out for the night
- going...
before my next date
I’m going to soak my hands in ice water, just in case I accidentally brush against his hand. If he is anything like Bella, he might notice and love me all the more for it.
Watching Twilight with my mom while working on a writing project.
when you cry...
Do you wipe off the tears with your hand or a kleenex or hankie of some type or do you just let it roll down and evaporate? If you use your hand, do you then wipe it off on the couch or your pillow or your blanket? Why does everything feel so much better after a long hard cry?
For the record, I’m a cold bitch of sorts and only cry once every few months, and only cry hard once or twice a...
Being drunk and watching Pans Labyrinth, yummmmm. That’s one way to end a 14 hour shift on my feet with a very very shitty last hour or two. This will ensure that I have dreams about crazy shit in Spanish instead of dreams about work.
so, babe, how was your day?
Many, many, many of my posts mention how awesome I generally think that the single life is…for now and sometimes forever. Tonight I had a long day at work with a somewhat shitty ending and I couldn’t decide if what I really needed was a long cry or a stiff drink (for the record, I went with a bottle of cheap sparkling wine and stayed all stoic and shit). On my way home, I called my...
How Regan Got Her Groove Back
Tonight I worked a private party for around 20 people, most of whom were from CT, I think. Anywho, there were two older gentlemen who stayed behind to pay and to drink more wine. They asked a sous chef and the head waitress for another glass of something (as we were all closing up, and after every other single patron had left). The waitress asked me to take it over, as I was doing some sort of...
Fear of Standing Still
The best way to distract you from one boy is to invent a crush on another. Then when that gets stale, Eureka! another invention. When the load gets heavy, juggle your crushes with successful one night stands. When the juggling gets frustratingly complicated, whip out your eraser, but only after checking that you have kept a copy of the blueprints in your drawer. You know, for later. ...
White Oleander
How does Michelle Pfieffer maintain her blonde highlights in federal prison?
27 Dresses
I was feeling TERRIBLE for the Katherine Heigl character until I realized that she’s in the predicament that she’s in because she has never learned to grow a pair.
Have a giant crush on the same guy for years? At least get drunk and make a move. It is much easier than one might imagine.
Obsessed with weddings and sick of being in them? Get a boyfriend already.
Disgusted that...
I'm Sorry
But I don’t believe that I will ever read your mommy-blog. I mean, I enjoy one or two blogs from mothers who blog about their kids, but usually they blog about how their kids make them want to scream and cry and run away. Or their kids are actually awesome. You know what I don’t care about? Your baby being able to roll from her belly to her back. You know what I can laugh at? ...
Almond Crusted Pork with Apple Cranberry Glaze
Apple Cranberry Chutney (if you couldn’t tell from the glaze, it ended up too liquidy)
Roasted Yukon and Sweet Potatoes
Fresh Steamed Green Beans
Spinach and Mushroom Salad with Strawberry Poppy Seed Dressing
Three Bottles of Newcastle
I think I’d be a decent enough housewife.
Worst Chefs in America
Frailest Egos in the World.
Mom: I wonder how they got that effect there. Do you suppose that they took that Air Force plane thing like from that Tom Hanks movie?
Me: Umm. No.
*discussing the new opening credits for Big Love, what else.
Eating a Banquet Chicken Pot Pie for the first time in years. YEARS.
