January 2012
19 posts
how not to start a phone conversation, mom edition
mom: Regan…[sobbing]…it’s…[sobbing]…I can’t get the words out…it’s about your father…[15 seconds of sobbing and silence]…
me: WHAT IS GOING ON??? WHAT IS IT??? WHAT IS HAPPENING??? I’M PUTTING ON MY SHOES NOW!!!!
mom: no, no, no…he’s alright. Let me back up.
Well, he does have the flu from hell and he hasn’t...
checklists
checked!
- completed online application
- paid my dues
- mailed transcript request to Smith registrar
- mailed academic reference forms to Pierce Hall
- mailed professional reference forms to Boston
to-do
- edit first two essays
- write third essay
- drop-off professional reference forms in St. Louis
- mail complete paper application
I can see the light, y’all!
(I realize that...
on post-modern feminism
Is my making fun of most shit* on Pinterest a way of shitting on women much like women calling women “whores” and stuff is a way of shitting on women? But seriously, where’s the taste**?
*strangers’ shit, not my peoples’ shit
**I ask while sitting on my weathered, $30 velvet love-seat.
pardon me, Netflix
but how the hell did you confuse me with someone who wouldn’t be interested in watching a documentary about a circus? HOW?
D.A.R.E.
Kids, dope is whack. Suppose someday you smoke dope and giant thunderstorms with funnel clouds and siren-inducing powers show up at 3am. You sure would be sorry.
on grad school apps
Two references in the bag, just need to email my academic reference (like yesterday) and get everyone packets in the mail.
1.5 of 3 essays down.
General application complete.
Need to get Smith to mail them my shizz.
30 days to complete.
DO IT!
Looking for Non-Cheesy Fitness/Healthy Food Blogs.
leilacohanmiccio:
Suggestions?
I like BenDoesLife because he is from one town away from me and regularly visits Northampton. Kinda cheesy, though. FitTogetherNow posts pictures! So many pictures!
thoughts on a saturday
- I don’t laugh at The Three Stooges
- Baths are boring.
- When I become a therapist I want to start a softball team called the Shrinky-Dinks
- I’m pooped.
- I want 1/3 of these dresses for my future (very far future) wedding.
“Na girl, I’m too stoned to drive home now. I’ve been up since...”
– neighbor two houses over, just renting
this just in
If I get into graduate school, I think I’m going to get a cat.
this just in
Straight man on Pinterest pinning ideas for his future wedding under the board “my dream wedding.” More specifically, outfit ideas for his future wife’s bridesmaids. Huh.
Seeeee?
january 4th
- sick, blech, in bed sleeping and being gross.
- watching Portlandia on Netflix.
- getting birth updates on my cell phone because my SIL is busy pushing out her first born/my first niece.
HUZZAH!
yawn
The best part of being sick? Coming straight home from work, taking drugs, and rolling up in bed at some ungodly, early hour. Since I am working a double and won’t be back from work until around 8, I’m currently excited about the second best part of being sick — endless hot and sour soup.
Boo. Chest cold.
oink oink
Muslim Coworker: And like, I hear bacon is really tasty and shit, but I ain’t never eat bacon. I’m not ever gonna eat bacon. Me: Ah, so you keep halal. MC: What the fuck you talking about girl! I just don’t eat pork and shit. Me: Well, you’re Muslim and you said you don’t eat pork, I just figured you might keep halal. You know, like how the Jews keep kosher. MC: Girl,...
December 2011
17 posts
things I find myself explaining time and time...
Basic Math
finding 10%, 15%, 18% and percent change shit.
The Keeper
over half of my college friends swear by this — my midwestern friends vomit at the thought and some of those think I’ve made it up with my own perverted mind.
white gravy and fried okra
seems to be a southern thing with overflow into the midwest
Arkansas
aka AR (not AK). aka a former state of the...
things I keep myself from posting on facebook
“Twilight blows.”
“Wow, you people sure are racist/homophobic/ignorant/morally repugnant.”
Tim Tebow related hate speech.
“People actually like Mizzou?”
Criticism of those who have only lived in one state with a population 1/4 the size of NYC.
Details of my pedestrian restaurant gig.
Anything sexy.
Jokes about “courting” (and also the...
on thriftiness
I felt a tad guilty for dropping $10 on yet another purse when I swung by the thrift store before work this morning. But it was biggish and pretty and embroidered plenty for my carpetbag loving soul. I felt much, much better about my purchase once I transferred my shit inside and discovered a $245 price tag from another place. It clearly identifies the purse as the item, but the purse is missing a...
mathtarded
Coworker 1: Hey Regan, do you know if you can get advances on tax returns like at HR Block or something. Me: Actually, I just read something about that* last week. You can, but they take like 10% out of it or something. Coworker 1: 10%?? That’s outrageous! Me: Well… Coworker 2: It’s not that much, it’s like, say you get $1200, they only take $120, $800 they take $80....
changes
I am strongly considering moving my bed to the tiny ass second bedroom and turning the larger room with French doors into an office type space. Also, my dad wants me to simply carpet the second bedroom and I’m growing giddy at the freedom to pick-out any type of carpet. ANY. I don’t even know which types of carpets exist beyond the whites and tans. EEEeee!
New York Times: "Pig," a Play, Roasts the... →
coldplums:
leilacohanmiccio:
pigatumblrforpigarestaurant:
Oh, hey, NBD, just a feature on Diner’s Journal.
At a performance of “Pig: A Restaurant” at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Chelsea on Wednesday night, a deranged celebrity chef unveiled a drink list featuring “bacon-infused bourbon” and “pork cheek bitters.” A locavore praised the taste of edible weeds picked along the ...
“I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I...”
– from some douche who I can’t help get the feeling that I’ve dated a time or two.
on exhaustion
I’m not sure if it is the three hours of sleep I had last night, the eleven hour restaurant shift with one tiny break, or the fact that I had to explain, in grave detail, the basic restrictions regarding that new planet discovery thing to coworkers who were excited that we would live on another planet in our lifetime.
“Well, it’s 600 light years away. Light years. It means the...
fantasy update
So, my childhood neighbor is now managing my fantasy football team for me. I changed my password, so now the man friend will be mad when he wakes up and I have a new defense, top kicker, and he no longer has access to my account. I play him next in the first round of playoffs and my God I want to beat him SO BADLY
Really, it’s healthy revenge, seeing as I won’t make any money off of...
Thanks, Danielle! That is all I know to start with, so I suppose I just need to research-up and keep an eye out for changes in projections. My opponent just got laid off, so sadly he has too much time on his hands to devote to this.
And sadly it took me over fifteen minutes just to figure out how to change my password on ESPN.com.
on control
So this is going to piss a few of you off, but my man friend was managing my fantasy football team. Not because I’m a cheater, mind you, but because I could give two shits about professional football and because he twisted my arm into playing in his league. We didn’t do any creepy colluding and we both made the playoffs, so there was no intentional weakening of teams, etc etc.
...
if my life were a romantic comedy
I should be meeting my Mr. Right right about now. Long slew of assholes date awesome girl and then she meets the right guy. Right? RIGHT? Don’t fail me now, sick stories brought to you by American consumerism.
P.S. I don’t know how to change my relationship status on facebook. Le sigh.
on konfusion
My mother sent me a half dozen US Weekly magazines about the Kardashians. I told her repeatedly over our Thanksgiving roadtrip that I had no interest in the Kardashians, rarely watched reality-TV, and how creepy I find it to care about strangers in such a petty way.
So…
November 2011
20 posts
on stressors
The boyfriend/not boyfriend/best friend is meeting my mom on Monday. My mother is mentally disabled to the point of being semi-handicapped and is far from the woman who raised me. Well, there’s not really a stroke or something super to blame, but the whole borderline personality disorder thing puts a damper on shit, mainly her life. But my bipolar non-boyfriend may relate…so...
on true love
Friends and family members who slip me two klonopin before bed, holidays, a night out. Really, it means the world to me. Not only do they understand stress and anxiety, but they want me to float through it. Empathy for the win, y’all.
Here’s to you mom, brothers, sisters-in-law, best friends, roommates, boyfriends. And just in case the Surgeon General is all up on my ass,...
“But when a saga popular with pre-adolescent girls peaks romantically on a night...”
– NPR’s Linda Holmes reviews Twilight Breaking Dawn, Pt. 1 (via diandrabird)
an asshole, an update
Sometimes he shows up at your house at 1am, after months and months of (almost) never coming to your house. And he is heavily buzzed and then gives you long speeches about how you’ve been such a positive influence on his life and how right and manageable everything feels when you are near. He finds your teddy bear from your 5th grade trip to Space Camp and loves you for it. And he slow...
on being a responsible adult
While grocery shopping for arugula, tomatoes, vinegar, and seltzer, I was craving something menstrually sweet and was drawn to the chocolate milk. Instead, I bought skim milk, vodka, and Kahlua.
Mmmmmm White Russians fix cramps, y’all.
dream weaver
Last night I dreamt that I was being attacked by a swarm of bees and my least favorite manager at work was all “get over it” and as I could feel my face swelling, he finally sprayed me with DDT and told me to get back to work.
I split open my left pointer finger to the bone and as the dream wore on, a dark purple flower began to grow out of the wound, about six inches up, complete...
on facts
Boys at work were discussing which customers they would like to bone and why. When someone cautioned “we need to be quiet or they’ll hear us and we’ll be fired for sexual harassment” I interjected that they were already harassing people sexually. Then I gave a lesson on quid pro quo sexual harassment vs. hostile work environment sexual harassment and dropped Herman Cain...
“Awesome! My brother got me tickets to Radiohead!…Radiohead is a band…no, not a new band, a really fucking fantastic one from the UK. Coldplay? Well, sorta? They have similar accents but their music doesn’t make your ears bleed…yes, people have heard of them and they are popular, popular around the world, even…yes, enough people like them so that their tickets...
Modern Love: dirty romance
“See, the thing is, since I met you five years ago, I’ve always wished that there were a way to just get inside that brain of yours and fuck it.”
- Dream Boy over gin fizzes